Paradox Series XI (11): The Looking Paradox

For Article 10 of the Paradox Series, we unpacked “The Fear Paradox” and considered how it applied to the golf industry. In summary, we looked at ways that fear can be useful, motivational and even beneficial in our personal and professional lives as PGA Professionals, (while recognizing that, at the same time, fear can be debilitating, limiting and burdensome in ways that affect our work and personal lives.) A key question was: What can we do with our fear with intentionality?

This time, we are going after an understanding of The Looking Paradox. According to Sahil Bloom, “You may have to stop looking in order to find what you are looking for. Have you noticed that when you are looking for something, you rarely find it? Stop looking—what you’re looking for may just find you.”

Author Mark Manson, who wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, said, “The best way to meet someone else is to not need to be with someone else. The defining theme of my book on dating was non-neediness and how that plays out in our relationships. The fact remains that the best way to find (any type of quality relationship) …is by not needing (that type of) relationship to be happy and investing more in yourself.” (Interesting and logical too. I know that if we consider our own experience, we can likely find examples when we actually “found it” when we “stopped looking for it.” It makes sense, right?)

It may also seem pretty simple, but I don’t believe it is, and here are some other ways to “look at” the Looking Paradox in the context of our industry, the golf and hospitality industry specifically.

We Tend to See What We’re Looking For | You see what you’re looking for (or what you recognize). If you know me that well, you know I tend to notice these things even when I’m not looking for them. Things like a nice Lexus LS400, guys who are follically challenged (yes, balding), people with glasses, SF Giants gear or Golden State Warriors gear. And yes, I’m like you, I tend to find “proofs” and support for my position, my theories, my perspective. Of course, there are other proofs around for the opposite of what I think, believe or for “how I see it” too. But, guess what, I tend not to notice, or to recognize or to validate those opposing proofs. If I’m not careful, I can also miss these key facts, data or perspectives that just might be key in helping me recognize that I can see something differently, I can change, I can grow and I can be rewarded…but only if I intentionally STOP LOOKING FOR ONLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR.

We Tend to Only See The Halo Effect (or That It’s Missing) | When recruiting talent, specifically reviewing resumes, and then in an interview, most of them it is so easy to be swayed by the “Halo Effect”. What is that? Every candidate with any reasonable work history has the “halo effect” going for them or they don’t. They worked at this premier private club under that great Director of Golf, so they must be a young version of that person, they must know about five-star service. Factually, that is not likely…it is possible, but it is not probable. And yet, it is so easy to let that person be rated higher and be given more grace in the interview because of where they have worked and who they’ve worked for and with, versus what they can actually do, actually create and actually produce. 

A few years ago, one search committee member said out loud, in front of me and everyone else on the committee, “Why did we do this national search if we were only going to hire the guy from the club down the street?” (Even though that guy had very clearly elevated his current club, made a significant impact on the financial well-being of the club and had done so at his previous club.) It was crazy and hard to swallow when I realized many of that committee were more concerned with “how they would look” if they hired a guy without the elite club brand they were “looking for” that would impress their fellow members and guests in the short term. Instead, they failed to look for true facets of leadership, for expertise, for resourcefulness and more in finding the right candidate. They chose to be lazy and looked only at the “outside cover” because it was easier, and they knew they would feel better about it. They didn’t make a terrible choice there per se, but they may not have made the best one for the long-term health of the club. I implore you, don’t do the same thing.

Application point: The Looking Paradox undermines the idea that conscious effort always leads to desired outcomes. Instead, it suggests it is possible to see a better outcome and more productivity if we willingly let go of control and lean into our subconscious mind to 1) make connections based on observing the reality of what is going on, what is being said, what is being done (vs. the story we tell ourselves about what is actually happening; 2) we might be able to recognize patterns, be intuitive and more authentic if we’re not actively “looking for the outcome we think we want.”

We Tend to Only See the Negative (If that is What We Are Looking For) | If you think you are not respected, you will tend to only see and feel disrespected, devalued and discouraged. (And that is a vicious cycle.) Further, if you feel the above, you’ll tend to assume someone meant to harm you or your family, or your business, and you’ll tend to believe it. And in order to truly believe it, you’ll need conscious facts (real or what you perceive to be real) to support what you believe. And guess what, as was said above, you (and I) will tend to see pretty much only the factors that support what we already believe and feel.

This is likely an issue brought on by the mental focus trap. It states that, “When you intently focus on finding something, your attention narrows, potentially causing you to miss relevant clues or overlook things that might be right in front of you due to tunnel vision.” (That something could be a tangible item or it could be an intangible like being disrespected, devalued and discouraged.)

Mark Manson, in his article, How to Find The One, wrote, describes how neediness can distort our search for meaning or connection: “When you’re acting needy, you’re trying to get someone to see you in a certain way or behave towards you in a way that benefits you. It’s similar to the feeling you get when someone’s using high-pressure sales tactics—it just feels wrong. The same applies when someone behaves a certain way just to gain your approval.” While we all care about others’ opinions to some degree, Manson reminds us that ultimately, the most important opinion is our own.

A Commitment to Look More Intently FOR The Right Things | I can only agree with Manson’s statement, and close with this thought: For the next year, I would like to grow in my “non-neediness” (and stop looking for respect from those that don’t know me, stop looking to be heard, or understood by those same people) and instead start looking for ways that I can add value to the relationships where I’m known well enough to make a difference in their life, to elevate them, help them succeed, celebrate when they win, cry when they suffer and all that other stuff that actually matters. I want to look for ways to 1) lighten their load, 2) lighten their mood, 3) enlighten their thoughts, 4) and help them lighten things when they have anxiety, stress and worries.

In some ways, I believe I may be pretty good at looking for the good, looking for ways to bless others, to impact them and to make a difference. Thankfully, I get to practice looking for these things pretty much every day at my job. But, dangit, I want to be better at it…if I can’t be better looking, I can be better at looking for those things and not missing my chance to “execute them” (whatever that step(s) is).

What can you start looking for or not looking for in the coming year? Don’t know…start looking…start now.

As always, I hope you took away some worthwhile things to consider from this paradox. Next time, we will consider another paradox that I find compelling in part XII of our Paradox Series. Thanks for taking the time to read this article. If you have a story to share, an issue you’re facing professionally or similar, please reach out to me when you can. If you are seeking any help with your career or similar, please click on the “Book an Appointment on Monte’s Calendar” link below.